INTERVIEW: We’re Busy Raising Girls For Unprepared Boys – Pai

Anna Husseini Pai, a native of Kwali in the Federal Capital Territory, is a dynamic professional, development advocate, and lifelong learner with a deep commitment to education, leadership, and sustainable development. As the Founder of the Yargote Foundation, she is dedicated to empowering the boy child, promoting gender balance, and fostering sustainable community development across Nigeria. In this interview with THE WHISTLER’s Chika MEFOR-NWACHUKWU, the mother of two boys shares her passion and vision for creating a better future for boy-children and the importance of self-awareness in shaping their lives.

What inspired you to start this initiative?

We started the project in 2017, focusing on empowering boys and young men to become better versions of themselves. We realised that many issues affecting girls and women, such as gender-based violence and teenage pregnancy, often involve boys and men. By empowering boys, we hope to create a more positive and equitable society. The motivation behind this is that an empowered and informed boy will make informed decisions and he will grow up to become a better man. Whatever we are imparting to them now will help them in their academics right now and shape their growth so that when they become men, they will act better.

Was there a particular experience that made you decide to start up this initiative?

You see, a lot of women are going through a whole lot. There is no one particular experience. There are too many experiences. Too many. So, there are so many women that I don’t even know personally that have been beaten to death by their husbands. There are so many women going through a lot of abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, physical abuse, domestic abuse, and all kinds of abuses.

So, again, like I said earlier, a man that knows better will act better. So, when you look at the grooming pattern from infancy, you pay more attention to the girl-child. You want her to turn out good, turn out the best. No family wants their girl child to disgrace them when she eventually gets married. But the same parents that are grooming that girl to the best of their ability are not paying similar attention to the boy child.

And the girl will eventually marry somebody. And so, like I always say, we are preparing the girl-child for an unprepared boy-child. The experiences are too many for me to want to pinpoint it to one.

You know, even in the office space, you see some men behaving like… you’ll be wondering, why is this person so bitter? And so, when we researched, I came up with the fact that there are a lot of men that grew up wounded. They grew up with traumas that they couldn’t even express because they don’t have that space. They don’t have that avenue to pour out their mind.

I give you a typical example. If a girl runs into the house crying, everybody in the house is going to stand up. What happened? Oh, somebody beats me up. They will all go out to go and see who is this person that hit this girl. Well, when a boy runs into the house crying, you see what happens? This person beats me up. Are you not a man? You get out, go back there and fight. You are a man.

So, if this boy cannot fight, that particular incident is going to keep haunting him. He might go back out, feeling stronger or pretending rather to be strong. But he can’t shake away that experience. And that is just one example. A lot of boys have gone through a lot. Bullying, maybe something happens and they are stigmatized. And so, they carry that wound, they carry that trauma into adulthood.

I equate it to like a pressure cooker. When you are using the pressure cooker, when whatever it is inside is done, you have to open it carefully, releasing the pressured air gradually. If you open it all at once, it is going to blow up in your face. I equate that with a boy, with a wounded boy that is carrying a lot in his mind. If he doesn’t have the avenue to keep letting out steam gradually, one day he’s just going to blow up in everybody’s faces.

The boys don’t have that avenue, that opportunity that a girl-child does have to pour out their mind. So, it tells on them because everybody is going to grow. When they grow, you can’t just wish that experience away. There has to be an avenue for them to let out that steam.

In Nigeria, the two spaces that I always give example that the boys have is the prison and the rehabilitation center. For you to get into the prison, you have to have committed a crime. To get into the rehabilitation center, you have to have abused substances. We do not have that safe space for boys to come to if they can’t talk to their parents. Because a lot of parents are not available, emotionally, especially.

They might be there physically, but you cannot talk to them. So, the boys will have to find out whatever they have to find out, whichever way. Oftentimes, from their friends, from the phone, from the internet, and all of that. So, you know, whatever they get is what they become.

So, from what you have explained now, that means that the root cause of this whole issue is passed from the family, right?

Yes, the family constitutes the society. It is the unit of this society. So, if you get it wrong from the family, it is going to affect the society.
Let us say, for example, you are in an environment that has ten families, and the parents are not emotionally available. If one child from one family discovers something, positively or negatively, automatically, the other boys from the other families that you hang out with are going to also discover it.

I have met a lot of parents that say they feel shy to talk about certain things with their children. And I say to them, if you don’t, if you’re feeling shy, the Internet is not shy. So, if you don’t talk to them, the Internet is going to talk to them in a language that you do not want.

It’s going to be very difficult because oftentimes, before you find out that they have discovered certain things, it would have gone very fast. We do not really have institutions to correct or prevent certain things from going wrong in Nigeria. Some of the parents have met, I discovered that they themselves need help. With some of the discoveries we have made, we have got a lot on our hands.

Can you mention some of the discoveries?

It is not something I want to just blurt out right now. Because the boys we are working with, you know, they said some of these things in confidence. I think they just felt and became comfortable to just put out their minds. We are trying to manage the situation while seeking help for them.

What ages of boys do you work with and how do you get them?

We work with boys between the ages of 10 to 19. It is a community-based initiative, so we identify an underserved community and we go to them.

How do you identify them?

We do stakeholders’ engagement. We start with that. We go to the community leaders, explain whatever it is we’re there for, and they identify the boys. We have our parameters to pick who we want to work with.

Right now, how many boys do you have?

This year, we started with 46 boys in the community we’re in. But it has dwindled down to like 34, 36, for different reasons. These are underserved communities, so some parents think we are there to share stuff, and when they realise we are not, they lose interest. Some boys have to help their families by selling stuff or going to the farm after school, so it is understandable that some drop out. They are from one community, for proximity sake. They are drawn from different schools in the same community.

How long do you work with them?

We are with us for six months. They meet three days a week. We don’t go there on Saturdays because it is market day in that community, and many of the boys are busy helping their families or working to earn money.

What kind of programs do you offer to the boys?

We focus on soft skills development, such as empathy, communication, and leadership. We also provide mentorship and counselling services, as well as some hard skills training. Our goal is to help boys become confident, informed, and responsible individuals. We believe that every child, every boy, every girl, you know, can aspire to become whatever they want to be. We don’t want to box everybody in the corner and say, oh, well, because we are an NGO, we want to empower you. So, everybody, you have to learn how to be a tailor or plumber or carpenter or whatever. Those are very okay. We are doing a little bit of those. But our focus is on the soft skills because we believe that when we teach them soft skills, it even brings out the talent in them.

You mentioned that you have rules in place for the boys in your program. Can you tell me more about that?

Yes, we have standards and rules in place because we’re doing this for impact, not for show. From the beginning, we made it clear that if they miss classes a certain number of times, they’re out. We’re trying to instil discipline. It is not about the number of boys we have, it is about the quality of the impact we are making.

We tell them from the start, these are the rules, and if they’re not okay with it, they can leave. We’re trying to change the narrative in Nigeria, where anything goes and there’s no penalty for misbehaviour. We need to start being serious and holding people accountable.

You also mentioned earlier that boys sometimes struggle with embodying themselves. Do you have therapy or counselling sessions as part of your program?

Yes, we have a clinical psychologist on our team who counsels the boys when needed. The boys have become very comfortable with us, and they’ve learned a lot. We’ve had situations where they be have opened up about things they wouldn’t normally discuss with their parents. We had a situation where a mother called me and said her son was insisting on coming to our program even though it was going to rain. She was amazed at his determination and asked what we were doing to make him so committed.

We have also had situations where boys have opened up about sexual issues. One day, We were teaching sexuality and consent. I asked if they had any questions and one raised his hands and told me question, “I have played Mummy and Daddy Play and I have had sex”. I say, what did you say? He repeats that it. And then another person beside him was giggling. By the end of that, there’s seven boys. Without prompting, without asking. And shock you, one is in primary four. So we had to seek help from another NGO that deals with sexual, you know, infections and all of that. Because two already had infections among the seven. So they got help from that other NGO. So this is like how comfortable they have become. And when we interviewed them, when we questioned them, only two were actually caught by their parents.

Can you share some of the challenges you have faced in this work?

One of our main challenges is funding. We rely on support from friends and well-wishers, but we need more resources to reach more boys and communities. We’re also working to build partnerships with other organizations to amplify our impact. I wouldn’t say it’s a challenge per se because we launched out as an NGO and you can’t just launch out if you don’t have the wherewithal to do what it is you’ve programmed yourself to do. So, like everybody will say funding. So, if I say funding, it will be for me to blow out to other communities. You understand? So, it’s to reach more boys. If we get funding, we’re going to reach more boys.

Can you share some success stories from your program?

Yes, we have had some remarkable successes. For example, we had seven boys who couldn’t read when they joined our program, but with extra support, they were able to learn to read by the end of the program. We have also seen significant improvements in behaviour and attitude among the boys we have worked with. The success story is majorly coming from the parents. Because when the parents come and they give a testimony of how their children have improved, I think that’s, like, a major determinant of your success rate.

What are your plans for the future?

We are planning to expand our reach to more communities and boys. We are also hosting our second Empower the Boy Child Summit in November, where we will bring together stakeholders to discuss issues affecting boys and young men.

You stated that the root of any challenges faced by the boy-child starts from the home. What are you advising the parents?

My advice to parents is to go and read about self-awareness. Self-awareness is the bedrock of everything. It’s about discovering yourself, knowing what triggers you, what makes you happy, sad, or angry. It’s about knowing your values, your purpose in life, and setting goals for yourself and your family. When you’re self-aware, you’ll be able to relate better to your children, your spouse, and others. You’ll be able to make better decisions and live a more purposeful life.

For parents who are not educated or literate, I advise that they need help. We provide talks and counselling sessions for them, but it’s not enough. They need to be supported and empowered to take care of their children and themselves.

How do you think the Government should help the programme for the boy-child?

I think the government should introduce soft skills into the curriculum of schools. Soft skills are the glue that holds everything together. It’s essential for every profession, and it’s missing in our education system. We need to catch them young and teach them the importance of empathy, emotional intelligence, and responsibility.

We also need a national reorientation in the true sense of the word. We need to be sincere and honest about our intentions to do things differently. We need to break the cycle of corruption and lack of empathy, and start building a society that values people and their well-being.