By Pius Adesanmi.
In his first incarnation, Lemuel Gulliver traveled by ship.
Then, time moved.
Then, technology improved.
Then, the 21st century arrived.
And Gulliver inherited 12 planes. He had initially considered selling them before opting to keep them. He then decided that since he could only travel in one plane at a time, it did not make economic sense to allow the planes to go to rust on the tarmac due to lack of use or chronic under-utilization.
After all, in Gulliver’s culture and country, you must “warm the car” by revving the engine in a parked position, zoooooooom, zooooooooom, zooooooom, before driving it out in the morning.
Gulliver decides that he has twelve planes to warm. He names the planes after the months of the year, January to December: one plane must be warmed per month.
Gulliver warmed January to Dubai, Kenya, and Ethiopia in January.
This is February. Gulliver is warming February to France and Britain.
In March, they say he will warm March to the Middle East.
In May, there is a risk he will mistake Daura for a foreign country and warm May to Daura.
If you are thinking that Gulliver’s deputy should be able to warm some of the planes to foreign destinations so that Gulliver can attend to urgent things at home, you must not have noticed that Gulliver’s deputy is in the freezer and has not been heard from or seen in any significant way in weeks. How can somebody who is frozen warm planes? Are freeze and warmth not opposites?
Besides, it is not certain that the international passport of Gulliver’s deputy is valid. Had he a valid international passport, maybe he might have been able to warm a plane to Kenya to inspect President Kenyatta’s cow farm on behalf of his boss who would have gone only to Ethiopia for the African Union meeting.
I also admire the shock and awe strategy of Gulliver and his handlers. They know that warming one plane per month on a foreign trip will attract criticism in these most difficult of times in the lives of their people when, what is needed is not excess foreign junketing but a hands-on approach to domestic issues.
If they make the timing and the reason for the trips too logical, your senses will be intact and you will be able to criticize.
So, they shock you into complete silence.
They immobilize you completely with the most horrible timing and the sheer illogicality of the reasons for many of their trips.
Those who have been abusing Femi Adesina and Gulliver’s handlers for not serving him well should apologize to them. They are master strategists, deploying illogicality and immobility to shock you into speechlessness. When you are speechless, can you criticize Gulliver for warming his planes abroad and at horribly-chosen times?
If you hear that Boko Haram has burnt people alive in Gulliver’s home and he says he is traveling to France to talk about terrorism, are you not shocked into silence by the overwhelming weight of that illogicality and the horribly insensitive timing?
If you hear that Boko Haram is defying technical defeat to make life unbearable for people in Gulliver’s home and Femi Adesina says he is traveling to London “to join other world leaders at the Supporting Syria and The Region Conference scheduled to open in the British capital on Thursday, February 4, 2016”, where will you find the words to criticize that when the sheer weight of the illogicality crushes your mouth?
Gulliver is going to London to save Syria when his own home burns.
When next there is too much talk of youth unemployment at home, I suspect that Gulliver will warm a plane to Bangladesh to address youth unemployment in that country.
Zooooom! Zoooooom! Zooooooom!
Hold your change o!