Why We Hide Our Boyfriends Until Marriage — Nigerian Women Speak

In a society increasingly obsessed with sharing personal details online, a growing number of women are choosing to keep their romantic relationships private.

A cross-section of Nigerian women who spoke to THE WHISTLER at the weekend gave reasons that ranged from avoiding gossip and external pressures to protecting their emotional well-being.

While some expressed concerns about public scrutiny, others noted the importance of protecting their relationships from external interference.

Victoria Anthony Jasmine, a 29-year-old worker at the Federal Medical Centre, Anambra State, recounted a painful experience after introducing a former partner to her family, which led her to adopt a more cautious approach to relationships.

“People avoid public display to avoid unforeseen circumstances,” said Jasmine.

“For instance, gossip, lies etc. After I introduced my first love to my family, things didn’t work out between us again. I felt bad and was depressed to an extent. But we learn every day. Since then I have not introduced anybody to my parents.”

Ogechukwu Udegbunam, a researcher at the Abuja School of Social and Political Thought, mentioned external interference and dishonest partners among her reasons for opting for private romance over public relationship.

“Women hide their relationships from the public to avoid a lot of controversy,” she explained “For someone like me, if I am going to hide my date, it is probably because I don’t want people to interfere.”

Udegbunam said privacy in relationships may also stem from the fear of being involved with men who are not honest about their relationship status.

She added, “Some men who have multiple dates or might even be married, tell women to keep things private to enable them to mess around with others,” she noted.

Asked how she would feel if her fiancé chooses to keep the relationship hidden, Udegbunam said she may be hurt if her partner wasn’t proud to show her off to his close circle,

“I will feel he is not proud of me, and I will feel bad. If he decides not to post my pictures fine but his close friends, associates, and people that matter to him should be aware that I’m with him.”

For Jasmine, she said, “It’s all about understanding. I don’t see anything bad about it. So far we both are cool with it.”

John Victoria, an Abuja-based hair vendor, explained that keeping her relationship private would shield her in the event of disappointment or heartbreak.

She said, “I feel like people do not necessarily have to know about the relationship process, the end result is what matters. For instance, I’ve not been lucky with relationships. If I was publicizing my relationship, I’d feel even more disappointed knowing that people knew me with this person, and moving on from both relationships and the people involved would be hard.

“We all know a lot of people go through these things (heartbreak) but we don’t have to carry the mark on our foreheads, do we?”

On how she will feel if her fiancé hides their relationship till marriage, Victoria said, “I will only feel bad if he has not done the needful. There’s nothing wrong with that because I’m not about to make him public either until the needful is done. This excludes the close circle of friends who should know about us though.”

Eze Christian, a fashion designer based in Asaba, Delta State, stressed the value of privacy in maintaining the sanctity of relationships and avoiding unnecessary drama.

“I decided to keep my relationship to myself after my experience. I no longer want to expose my relationship to the world yet because I’m not sure if it is something that will be long-term,” she said, adding that she also won’t feel bad “If my fiancé decides to hide it, as long as people close to us are aware.”

For Chijioke Oriaku, a data analyst, she is not a fan of public displays of affection and prefers to keep her relationships away from the spotlight.

“I am not a social media type or a public display of affection (PDA) kind of woman when I am in a relationship. This is not because of fear of putting my partner out in that space, but because I would love to respect the sanctity of my love life.

“Also, I don’t like people being in my business, or keeping scores of who I am dating. Anything can happen and I would love to move on quietly, in situations like breakup or heartbreak.

“I have dated people who understand my kind of woman in terms of privacy but not secrecy, and this does not influence their kind of person as well. I have never dated a PDA kind of man”

When asked at what point did she decide to keep her relationship private, Oriaku said, “Since I got into the dating pool. I am a very private woman, but not a secret woman. I just love the peace that comes with dating my man alone and not with the public feeding off of what I show them. I don’t care if the relationship at some point goes sour, I just want to love carefreely, without seeking human validation.

“The internet is toxic and messy, it rubs off negative energy on what is good, and I will not put what I cherish in that space,” adding that “people cannot destroy what they don’t know about.”