What We Go Through In Our Quest For Survival-Single Mothers

Challenges of single parenting, especially being a single mother, are overwhelming. It requires a single parent to combine the roles of two people while raising the children and managing the home

According to Dr. Marika Lindholm the founder of ESME.com (Empowering Solo Moms Everywhere), parenting alone is physically and emotionally demanding. For some single moms, it could take a toll on their mental health.

THE WHISTLER Correspondent spoke to some single moms on how they have been contending with single parenting and they said that it’s been a challenging experience for them.

For Okorafor Nnenna who became a single mum as a result of divorce, she said the journey so far as a single parent has not been easy

She said, “In my own case it was as a result of divorce, I was married for two years but then it didn’t work out, So I left the marriage.”

“We have two type of single mom, the ones that weren’t married and had children with a man and the ones that got married and were divorced and they are co-parenting.

” Either ways, single mom you can co-parent or you take care of the child alone depending on the agreement or disagreement you had with the mother or father of your child.

“For me being a single parent is not an easy thing, I think its just all about mindset, the way one handles a situation is about mindset and how we handle our emotions. I feel if I keep going forward and backward about my child’s fees I won’t move on.

“They are some persons that haven’t been able to handle themselves, they now have a child and have to take care of their child alone or co-parenting. It’s easier for me because I have my parent’s support.”

She said while some women might be lucky to be blessed with the resources to take care of their children, others might not have such blessings.

Okorafor added, “I can’t say for another woman out there, we have different experiences, they are some woman who are lucky enough to have the father of their child supporting them, paying fees, housing, upkeep for the child, and so on.

“But I didn’t fall into that category of the lucky women, I’m just doing it all alone with my parents. I decided not to bother the father of my son because of the mindset I have.”

When asked if women are being stigmatized from getting married after having children, she said it depends on the man that the woman is dating.

According to her, “At first I was finding it a bit difficult, and I felt uncomfortable about that. But over time, I understood that a man that will stay will stay, a man that likes you will understand and stay regardless.

“Some guys have different perception about single mom especially in Nigeria. Some families won’t approve of it and even if the guy accepts you, the family will oppose it that you are dating a woman that has a child or that is once married.

“So the earlier you deal with this truth the better your emotions will be in check. And if you are lucky to meet someone that don’t see dating single mom as a problem the stigma will go away, we all have this stigma until we see someone that accepts you.”

Okorafor who said she doesn’t miss her husband because her last marriage was a mess explained that her son is the only consolation for her in her previous marriage.

When asked if she wished to be married again, Nnenna stated “Of course yes. I first got married when I was 20-year-old and divorced at 22 years. I’m 25 years now, the things I know now, I was ignorant of them when I was married.”

She acknowledged that her marriage would have worked out if she knew all she knows now.

“Yes if I was a bit more mature and had better experience, because I had little or no experience before my marriage.

“I feel I would have been more matured emotionally because the way I see things and life is different now, and the things I look out for in a man is different now unlike before when it was all fantasies.

“Currently I’m in a relationship, a healthy one. Now I’m use my head not my heart, I don’t allow my emotions to cloud my sense of reasoning. I look out for the future and we have to have the same goal,” she added.

On what her daily routine looks like, she added, “I have a nanny who takes care of my child, and takes him to school. Before now I was working but resigned because I wanted to start my own business. I own a book club where people come we read a book and review it, pending when my business takes a good shape.”

Nnenna however, added that she encounters financial challenges in other to make ends meet,

“Yes all the time, money don’t come by easily. My parents do the ones they can, pay my sons fees, and feeding. I was supporting when I was working but my parents does most of the things. On my own side is not easy, I need to set up my business well so I can be financially stable.”

For Precious Alade who became a single mom through divorce, the journey has not been too easy.

Alade, a mother of two told THE WHISTLER that having to combine work and taking care of the children as a single parent is physically and psychologically tasking.

She said, “I and my husband are divorced and I took custody of the children. Having to take care of them has been very challenging both in terms of resources and giving them that attention and care that they deserve.

“For instance,I’m expected to be at the office at 8am daily, while the kids also resume at school almost the same time. So what I do is to drop them at school in the money on my way to work.

“By the time they close from school at 2pm, I would be expected to go and pick them, bring them to my office most times and take care of them while working until office closes at 5pm every day.

“When we get home, I will prepare dinner, sort out their assignments, wash their uniforms and lunch boxes and then prepare against the next day.

“Sometimes I break down because I have no one to assist me in doing some of these chores. I ve had reasons to engage house help but I discovered that many of these house helps end up becoming part of the problem rather than the solution one is seeking.

“It is difficult to get a committed house help to work for you. Some of them are lazy while others will end up maltreating your children. I once had such experience and it’s very painful.”

For Venita Akpofure, she said being a single mother is not an easy experience because one would have to multitask to be able to survive.

“Being a single mother is not easy, especially if one works a lot. I had to multi-task to make sure I’m there for my kids. I don’t consider being in the limelight as a fulfilment. Fulfilment, for me, comes from within, which is when I am meeting personal goals and providing for my kids,’ she added.