Housewife Who Survived 12-Year Abuse Narrates Experience In New Book

“He charged into the room and gave me a resounding slap that covered my eyes. The next was a great push from him and the only sound that came out from my mouth was, ‘please don’t forget I am pregnant’ then, I felt my head hit the wardrobe,” Vivian UD, a domestic violence survivor, narrates experience in Breaking Free: A Survivor’s Journey.

UD was few months pregnant when the incident happened. It not only left her with bruises but had also resulted to a miscarriage.

Her husband had refused her request to go to the hospital but two days later when he saw she wasn’t getting better, had taken her to the hospital after reminding her of the consequences of disclosing what happened to anyone. She had to lie to the doctor, nurses and her parents about what had happened to her.

She explained that this was one among many other terrifying experiences with her abusive spouse that occured for 12 years.

Writing about her childhood and family background and how it affected her decisions in life, UD wrote, “I am the eldest of four children in my family, a position that comes with certain expectations, especially in our Eastern culture. I was determined to excel in my education , and I also held the belief that I would one day, marry a good man, living my own fairy tale happily ever after.”

But that ‘happily ever after’ was an illusion during her relationship with her spouse. UD states that she saw some red flags at the early stage of their relationship but as was taught by her parents and the church had chosen to ‘forgive and work things out’.

“His propensity for tantrums and resorting to destructive behaviour during these episodes filled me with profound dread. Witnessing him violently hurling his phone against the wall in the presence of friends sent shivers down my spine,” she wrote about the initial red flag she noticed.

UD noted that the abuse she suffered went beyond physically and emotionally. She disclosed that her husband deliberately sabotaged her effort to get a job and had prevented her from pursuing her dreams; all in his effort to make her financially dependent to him.

“In 2005, I had the opportunity to join the civil defence, but he stopped me, claiming that people in uniforms were not good,” she wrote, an example of how her spouse wanted to control her financially.

She stated that her family’s intervention and that of the police could not stop the cycle of abuse.

“A day came when he was beating me in front of my children. I couldn’t take it any longer. I decided to take action. I went to the police station and reported the incident,” she narrated.

She further stated that her husband had signed an undertaken never to beat her again but the promises were not kept.

She also wrote about the serious consequences the abuse had on her, explaining that her self-confidence began to decline where she lacked motivation to do better or move beyond where she was.

“I felt like I had lost myself in the process. I used to be a confident girl who could stand in a crowd and speak her mind…that toxic marriage and constant fear it instilled in me took a toll on my self-esteem and self-confidence,” she said.

UD, who stated that leaving an abusive marriage is not an easy task, explained that she tried severally but returned because she was thinking of her children and what the society will say.

“I felt like I would be seen as a failure if I left. I used to think divorced or single mothers were failures, but I didn’t understand what they were going through,” she said.

UD had however picked up the courage to leave when she was only 33 years, explaining that she made the choice because she loved her children and wanted to protect them and give them a life devoid of domestic violence.

“I couldn’t stay in my parents’ house for long so I had to find a place for us…I slept on the floor, without mattress and blanket while my children has a bed…You see, it is better to sleep on hard floor with peace of mind than on a big , comfortable be filled with fear every night,” she wrote.

Writing about her survival battles, the mother of four stated that she had worked very hard to become empowered and had began the journey of ‘rediscovering’ herself.

“Rediscovering myself also involves taking care of my physical health. I changed my perspective from seeing myself as ugly to believing that I deserve all the good things in life. I began to exercise and pay more attention to my daily routine. The journey of self-discovery and self-care is a significant part of where I am today,” she wrote.

Explaining why she chose to share her story, UD stated that she hopes it will help women who are facing domestic violence to know that they have the power to overcome even the toughest situations.

“I want to inspire women to stop thinking of themselves as victims and start thinking of themselves as survivors. By sharing my own experiences, I hope to show a way from pain and victory. This is for those who feel like they are stuck in a cycle of suffering,” she wrote.

Breaking Free: A Survivor’s Journey, was published in 2023 by DNA Imprints and can be purchased here.